by Marianne van Katwijk

Let’s break the rules!!

As we grow up, we humans learn by consciously imitating others. We take on the rules from our outside environment. And most of the time when we go out and break those rules we will be criticized.

Group conformity, the need to belong, and our own inner insecurities keep us repeating the old rules from the past. But what if these rules are actually damaging?

When we look at sex and female sexuality in particular we have all received a lot of bull shit rules, that do more harm than good. Even if you grew up in a very liberated family, you still have the bull shit rules that you receive through authority figures, media, religion, and our general society. There is A LOT of unconscious programming and subliminal indoctrination going on that we are not even aware of.

Have you ever spoken to your friends about or questioned yourself what you got thought about sex and pleasure in your family or by the women around of you growing up?

These are some of the random bullshit rules that we all got told. Either verbally and many of us received them also through non-verbal communication.

Sex is sinful unless you get married
Don’t talk about it
Dress modest otherwise you send out a “wrong” message to boys
Sex is a gift to your husband.
You never turn a man down.
It is up to us women to make sure he is pleased, so sacrifice yourself.
If you enjoy sex outside of marriage you are going to hell for it.
Stay a virgin until you get married, and then you should have sex with your husband all the time.
Make sure you don’t to get pregnant. And when you are married there is something wrong with you if you don’t get pregnant or do not want to have children.
Your body (just by being beautiful) is bad and sexual, and a stumbling block for “godly” men. Sexuality displayed in public is bad. Especially when unmarried.
Sex is an act of service for women.
You should be ashamed of sex, and there is no such thing as pleasure only pain.
Virginity is something to be “lost” for girls and gained for boys.
We are here to make men happy, be seen, be sexy, and focus on their pleasure.

These are a list of just some of the things most of us women hear or have heard on a daily basis, and if we have not heard any of these in our life, then we for sure have gotten the unconscious effects of these message through the non-verbal communication, subliminal messaging and expression of the people around of us.

These bullshit rules and messages leave a very deep scar in women. The older we get the more obvious it becomes. The anger, pain, shame, frustration, grief goes very very deep!

Vagina deep!! For many women, these indoctrinations show up in the body around the age of 30 – 45 as pain in the vagina, yeast infections, burning sensations, lack of sex drive, and a variety of female sexual problems such as pelvic pain, vulvodynia, vulvovaginitis, endometriosis, lichen sclerosis, to name a few.

The society we grow up in and the old rules we still live by bring up so much shame and disgust. Many times we are not even aware of this shame and disgust. By unconsciously keeping it pushed down it shows up in the body as pain and a wide variety of female sexual problems, that show up with horrendous excruciating sensations.

It is no wonder we feel broken.

All we hear, see and feel all day is that we are NEVER good enough. We are too sexual, too frigid, too sweet, too bitchy, too tall, too short, too skinny, too curvy, too opinionated, too emotional, too bossy, too moody, too…..

So let’s start the conversation on sex, let’s unapologetically claim our sensual feminine nature and stand in our authentic power. Let us create a new future, together, for all our daughters, sisters, grandchildren, and our sons and brothers.

We can only create new rules by breaking the old rules.

Marianne van Katwijk